and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
