my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hippo gnu deer
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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