Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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