Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
