We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
