i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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