i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
