1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
