Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize