My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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