What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
