i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
