is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
