the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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