How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
