Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
