your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
