got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize