the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yo dont text me then not text me
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
