i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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