when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
