Walk of Shame. In a state park.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
