God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
