11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
