I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
