the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
