Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
