1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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