I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
