i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
tell me about the eggs
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
