Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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