I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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