We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
