Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
