i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
that's an acceptable place to lick
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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