Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
