i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
