So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
