I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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