OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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