Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
