I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
