im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
