Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
