im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
