Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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