i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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