he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
