i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
