Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
