So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
