this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
