i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
