We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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