Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my shit smells like andre
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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