im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
