I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
