He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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