I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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