Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I believe in your delicious
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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